Right in the gut

Today is cycle day 5, which means that I gave myself my third injection today. This is one of the aspects of IVF that I most feared. I don’t care at all about needles (they’re pretty small anyway), and I wasn’t afraid of the pain (today’s hurt a little), but I was just terrified of messing it up. Here I am, just a high school teacher with no medical experience (unless you count being a lifeguard  in high school).  I’m expected to reconstitute and mix these incredibly expensive medications into a sterile syringe and self-administer the injections into my belly! It’s quite an intimidating responsibility.

Those of you who have gotten up the balls to jam that first shot right in the gut know what I’m talking about.  You’ve had hope. You’ve waited. You’ve felt the failure and pain every month when you get out that box of tampons…again. You’ve been to the doctor, had blood drawn, had everyone and their intern poking around between your legs. You’ve made more appointments, handed over your credit card, and waited some more. When finally you get to what you think could be the beginning of the end (and the beginning) there’s so much riding on your ability to not royally eff up this one little thing that you are almost paralyzed with the anxiety.

But then you take a deep breath and you do it. You grasp that little syringe full of liquid hope in your shaky hand and stab it right into your tummy. Whew. That wasn’t so bad. In fact, the first one didn’t hurt at all. Out of sheer disbelief hat I had done it,  I even forgot to take the needle out until C said “Um, that’s probably good. You can take it out now.” I did and promptly burst into tears of relief!

After the third day of this new morning routine I’m much more comfortable with the whole process. I’m feeling pretty well, too. My nurse said that the Bravelle and Menopur (both follicle stimulating hormones) shouldn’t have too many side effects other than a little bloating and a sense of being full. Well, I hope that I’m full; full of lots of follicles that will give me and C (and Dr. J) some healthy, beautiful eggs with which to work.


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