The “P” Word

Deliberate, well-timed, and perfect. That is my mantra for these few days. After yesterday’s blood work and ultrasound my follicles are still not growing as quickly as Dr. J would like, and my retrieval has been pushed back (again) to Friday. Sunday I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for a while (sorry for the depressing post), but today it’s not going to be like that.

The word “positive” is bandied about a lot in the infertility world, and sometimes it can really develop its own terrible persona that twists itself around and makes you absolutely loathe it. People tell you to stay positive, be positive, think positive, use positive visualization, hope for positive pregnancy tests (yeah right!), will you positively SHUT UP and let me feel the way I want to feel about this whole thing?  However, positivity doesn’t have to be a four letter word. I just truly have to keep reminding myself over and over that the “what if’s” and “but maybe’s” are far more detrimental than only allowing positive thoughts to dwell in your heart and mind. This is much easier said than done, especially for a worrying, control freak like myself.

Therefore, I’ve decided that instead of positivity these next few days I’m going to focus on gratitude. What am I grateful for during these tough times? Well, I’m grateful for my wonderful husband, whom I love dearly, and for our ridiculous dog who has driven me crazy and kept me sane at the same time. I’m grateful for my family, my job and amazing co-workers, and my imperfect little house. I’m grateful for the warm spring weather and sunshine. I’m grateful for Dr. J and health insurance! I’m grateful for that little bit of belly fat (that I’ve been cursing for so long) that’s actually making it less painful to give myself injections. I’m grateful for all the people blogging and talking about infertility to make it seem not so secretive or something to be ashamed of. I’m also grateful for the two awesome women that I met last night at a RESOLVE support group meeting. It’s so reassuring to know that I’m not alone through all of this. For all these things, and many, many more…I’m positively grateful.