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The “P” Word

Deliberate, well-timed, and perfect. That is my mantra for these few days. After yesterday’s blood work and ultrasound my follicles are still not growing as quickly as Dr. J would like, and my retrieval has been pushed back (again) to Friday. Sunday I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for a while (sorry for the depressing post), but today it’s not going to be like that.

The word “positive” is bandied about a lot in the infertility world, and sometimes it can really develop its own terrible persona that twists itself around and makes you absolutely loathe it. People tell you to stay positive, be positive, think positive, use positive visualization, hope for positive pregnancy tests (yeah right!), will you positively SHUT UP and let me feel the way I want to feel about this whole thing?  However, positivity doesn’t have to be a four letter word. I just truly have to keep reminding myself over and over that the “what if’s” and “but maybe’s” are far more detrimental than only allowing positive thoughts to dwell in your heart and mind. This is much easier said than done, especially for a worrying, control freak like myself.

Therefore, I’ve decided that instead of positivity these next few days I’m going to focus on gratitude. What am I grateful for during these tough times? Well, I’m grateful for my wonderful husband, whom I love dearly, and for our ridiculous dog who has driven me crazy and kept me sane at the same time. I’m grateful for my family, my job and amazing co-workers, and my imperfect little house. I’m grateful for the warm spring weather and sunshine. I’m grateful for Dr. J and health insurance! I’m grateful for that little bit of belly fat (that I’ve been cursing for so long) that’s actually making it less painful to give myself injections. I’m grateful for all the people blogging and talking about infertility to make it seem not so secretive or something to be ashamed of. I’m also grateful for the two awesome women that I met last night at a RESOLVE support group meeting. It’s so reassuring to know that I’m not alone through all of this. For all these things, and many, many more…I’m positively grateful.



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Right in the gut

Today is cycle day 5, which means that I gave myself my third injection today. This is one of the aspects of IVF that I most feared. I don’t care at all about needles (they’re pretty small anyway), and I wasn’t afraid of the pain (today’s hurt a little), but I was just terrified of messing it up. Here I am, just a high school teacher with no medical experience (unless you count being a lifeguard  in high school).  I’m expected to reconstitute and mix these incredibly expensive medications into a sterile syringe and self-administer the injections into my belly! It’s quite an intimidating responsibility.

Those of you who have gotten up the balls to jam that first shot right in the gut know what I’m talking about.  You’ve had hope. You’ve waited. You’ve felt the failure and pain every month when you get out that box of tampons…again. You’ve been to the doctor, had blood drawn, had everyone and their intern poking around between your legs. You’ve made more appointments, handed over your credit card, and waited some more. When finally you get to what you think could be the beginning of the end (and the beginning) there’s so much riding on your ability to not royally eff up this one little thing that you are almost paralyzed with the anxiety.

But then you take a deep breath and you do it. You grasp that little syringe full of liquid hope in your shaky hand and stab it right into your tummy. Whew. That wasn’t so bad. In fact, the first one didn’t hurt at all. Out of sheer disbelief hat I had done it,  I even forgot to take the needle out until C said “Um, that’s probably good. You can take it out now.” I did and promptly burst into tears of relief!

After the third day of this new morning routine I’m much more comfortable with the whole process. I’m feeling pretty well, too. My nurse said that the Bravelle and Menopur (both follicle stimulating hormones) shouldn’t have too many side effects other than a little bloating and a sense of being full. Well, I hope that I’m full; full of lots of follicles that will give me and C (and Dr. J) some healthy, beautiful eggs with which to work.

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