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In Memoriam

Today is Memorial Day and people all over the country will be going to the pool, barbecuing with family and friends, leaving flowers at grave sites, and reflecting on the lives of their friends and loved ones who have passed. C and I will just be trying to keep busy to make today go by as fast as possible so that tomorrow morning we can get test #2, call the doctor, and get some answers.

Though one might not think it, Memorial Day can actually be tough for an infertile couple; all those family cook outs where well-intentioned aunts and uncles are asking “When are you going to have kids?”, abstaining from alcohol because this time, this time really might be the real deal, embarrassed to wear a bathing suit because your stomach is bruised and bloated from shots and medications, and dwelling on the beautiful lives that could have been for those tiny embryos for whom you had so much love, but were lost.

I have so much respect, love, and sympathy for those who have gone down this road before me. The physical and emotional strength that it takes to keep going after each loss is staggering, and I would never wish that grief on anyone.

So even as today C and I have that tiny glimmer of hope shining at us, we still need to keep ourselves grounded and realistic and know that, no matter what tomorrow brings, there is still a long journey ahead of us.


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Stay Cool pt. II

Okay. As some of you have figured out, after yesterday’s pregnancy blood test I never got a call from the doctor!! I waited all day and even into the night (“They could totally call at 9:30pm. Who knows?”). I couldn’t call in the afternoon to inquire after my results because the office closes at 10am on Saturdays (9am our time) and when the office is closed you can’t leave a message. At all. Your only option is to call the on-call physician if it’s something “urgent that can’t wait until the next business day.” Well, this isn’t really urgent, at least to you…it’s pretty urgent to me.

I’m trying not to get angry or upset. Someone dropped the ball, whether it was my hospital here who perhaps didn’t send the results to Dr. J, or maybe my papers got shuffled around at Dr. J’s office and it just didn’t make it to the call-back pile, or maybe one of the nurses just thought that one of the other nurses was going to do it. Whatever happened, I’m just trying to keep cool.

The only information they could have given me for this first test is the amount of hCG betas in my blood. If the levels are less than 5, it’s a negative. If they are between 5 and 500 it’s a “not necessarily negative.” You have to wait to compare it to the levels in your 2nd test to determine any true reults. If they’ve gone down, you’re not. If they’ve at least doubled, you are. If they’ve gone up a bit, something could be wrong.

Due to the fact that I’ve been getting positive home pregnancy tests (as in, I’ve taken five. FIVE. Yes, you may call me a psycho), odds are that my hCG levels are at least 50, which a blood test would have put in the “not necessarily negative” range. So, if I look at this situation pragmatically I can use logic to keep myself from exploding with maniacal tension and just assume that I already have all the information possible before my next test on Monday. Oh wait. It’s not until Tuesday.

Damn you, Memorial Day.

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