Gah! I have gotten so terrible at this blog thing. School doesn’t start until Monday, so I’m just enjoying the simple, summer life at the moment. Life is just so much calmer and freer from drama than it was this spring that it makes for less riveting blog-fodder…not that I’m complaining!
Was it really less than four months ago that we were fighting to not be consumed by the doubt and fear surrounding the inauguration of our first IVF cycle? That time of anxiety, stress, shots, and tests was all we could think about. We could barely hope for success; it had been so long since we had any good news that we almost forgot what getting good news was like. Then suddenly, one afternoon in late May, everything changed for the better.
Since then life has been happier and less dramatic. Not to say that these past 15 weeks have been worry-free. Pregnancy brings with it a new bundle of fears and worries, this time neatly packed into ultrasounds and FDA warnings instead of syringes. We can handle pregnancy…that’s the easy part! It’s the before and after that are the most challenging!
The twins are doing very well. They are very active and are as big as lemons now! I keep grabbing two lemons out of the fridge and holding them up to my growing belly…for scale, you see. I have felt them, very faintly, but I am looking forward to really be able to feel them moving. Perhaps it will make all of this seem more real! Our next appointment is on Tuesday morning, and if everyone cooperates we should be able to tell the genders! I am extremely excited, because knowing the genders will mean I can really begin planning for these babies.
I am feeling that Baby A is a boy…I dreamt about it. Baby B I don’t really have a “feeling” about, but my doctor seems to think that B is a girl. What do you think? Any dreams? Intuitions? Let me know what you think!
Deliberate, well-timed, and perfect. That is my mantra for these few days. After yesterday’s blood work and ultrasound my follicles are still not growing as quickly as Dr. J would like, and my retrieval has been pushed back (again) to Friday. Sunday I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for a while (sorry for the depressing post), but today it’s not going to be like that.
The word “positive” is bandied about a lot in the infertility world, and sometimes it can really develop its own terrible persona that twists itself around and makes you absolutely loathe it. People tell you to stay positive, be positive, think positive, use positive visualization, hope for positive pregnancy tests (yeah right!), will you positively SHUT UP and let me feel the way I want to feel about this whole thing? However, positivity doesn’t have to be a four letter word. I just truly have to keep reminding myself over and over that the “what if’s” and “but maybe’s” are far more detrimental than only allowing positive thoughts to dwell in your heart and mind. This is much easier said than done, especially for a worrying, control freak like myself.
Therefore, I’ve decided that instead of positivity these next few days I’m going to focus on gratitude. What am I grateful for during these tough times? Well, I’m grateful for my wonderful husband, whom I love dearly, and for our ridiculous dog who has driven me crazy and kept me sane at the same time. I’m grateful for my family, my job and amazing co-workers, and my imperfect little house. I’m grateful for the warm spring weather and sunshine. I’m grateful for Dr. J and health insurance! I’m grateful for that little bit of belly fat (that I’ve been cursing for so long) that’s actually making it less painful to give myself injections. I’m grateful for all the people blogging and talking about infertility to make it seem not so secretive or something to be ashamed of. I’m also grateful for the two awesome women that I met last night at a RESOLVE support group meeting. It’s so reassuring to know that I’m not alone through all of this. For all these things, and many, many more…I’m positively grateful.